The blog I found this past weekend was written by the soon-to-be-father of my unborn child. In the blog were his ways of dealing with the negative, or rather ambivalent emotions he was having toward myself and the child. Because he likes to believe that he is a decent person who will do the right thing, the true, negative feelings he has are at war with his sense of duty and honor. The result of this war was a private blog that I came across while I was using his computer. He was always telling me that there were some great blogs out there, so I decided to check out the ones he saved. One was the journal he was keeping in regards to our situation. By the time I realized what it was, there was no way that I could stop reading...

Let me tell you, when they say that ignorance is bliss, they have no idea how right they are. I don't think I can describe how heart broken I was when I read these entries. If I ever felt bad about anything in my life it was made ten times worse when I read this entry. I heard him tell me many times that having this child was not what he wanted and I knew that deep down he blamed me for it, but to have him put it in writing that he did not want me or the child, really hurt.

It wasn't so much that he was torn about the issue. I, too, am torn. It was the fact that he put his dislike of me on the web for others to view. I like to think that I'm not a mean person. I don't want to put anyone into a situation that is not of their choosing if I can help it. Believing this to the fullest, when I found out about the baby, I gave him the option of stepping out of our lives. I did not do it as a noble gesture, I did it because I believed that this was not what he wanted and I didn't want to force someone to be in my life and that of my child's when they are resenting the entire situation. The child doesn't need that, I don't need that and the father doesn't need that. So when I read the blog and saw comments as to the entire thing being my decision, and that why shouldn't I carry a burden, that I just couldn't believe my eyes.

Then, there was the part that was more personal (if it can get more personal). The part where he wasn't hot on kissing me. That stung. I'd like to think it's not ego. It may be ego for all I know, but I can't help but think of the times when I asked him if he wanted out. That I wanted him to see other people and have him tell me that it wasn't what he wanted right now. That he was fine with the way things were. Obviously it wasn't fine.

Now, I have a slight issue with letting people do things to hurt me and then gloss over it. I usually let it go. I can't understand what good it does holding a grudge. So I tell myself to let it go...and I can for the most part. It's just that when I find myself alone, I think, and the thoughts lead to " what is it about me that is so very terrible?" and I cry. Like I'm doing now. It hurts, and then I realize that all the things, little things that people gloss over, still hurt. I guess you never really get over it after all.