He arrived. All 10lbs 1oz. and 20 inches of him. I'm talking about the baby. He was huge. EJ is what I'm calling him. He's a very good baby. I'm lucky that he isn't like the one's that cry all the time. I am having a bit of the baby blues. I think it's more like a depression. I don't like anyone and I feel like crying all the time. It's killing me because I have my reasons for feeling weepy, but they aren't rational.

Today is mother's day and I didn't get so much as a happy mother's day from the donor. What I did get is an early morning conversation from the ex-girlfriend that irritated the hell out of me and made me think. She's in town for an aunts wedding and wants to see the donor. They have a lunch date on Tuesday. I am pretty sure he will want to take the baby. I don't know how I'm going to react to that. I'm already not feeling happy with life. If he wants to share our child with his ex-girlfriend I may just say yes. I may not be here when he gets back, but that is something I am feeling now. It doesn't seem right. I don't know if I'm feeling a little bit extreme that I don't want to share anyone, or if I am being logical. I really don't have a grasp on my emotions.

I keep replaying the past year or so in my head. All the times when I was with the donor before and after the pregnancy and I can see now, where I couldn't before, the times when I forced him into being with me and him not wanting to. Fourth of July last year, my birthday, Valentine's day this year. It all had an air of reluctance that I had failed to notice until now. That is one of the reasons I've been weepy. I've forced this man into a "relationship" and now I regret it. I want him to have his own life, but I don't. I can't. He is now part of my life because I'm living with him. I think that it will be that way until I move out. If I can move out. I don't make enough money to survive on my own, let alone support a child. I could leave him here with the donor. That would just break my heart, but it's probably the right thing to do. I think he would be in better hands here with his father.

I don't know what to do. I really don't think that the donor and I will ever have a relationship, which means that we need to lead separate lives. I'm not sure where to start with that. I will have to get an apartment, and set up housekeeping. Then maybe I can get EJ on the weekends. My life is just too screwed up for him to be with me all the time. I need to think of his best interests. It's killing me.

My brother called me they day before yesterday. He has had the same girlfriend for about 7 years and over the past year or so, they have fallen on hard times. She is a stripper in Baltimore, who now has a crack habit that is eating up all her money and has destroyed her relationship and home life. They, along with their 4 year old son, have been living in motels living on the tips that she doesn't spend on drugs. Dom called me and said that it's gotten to the point that he and their son have been waiting out side Sarah's work (Baltimore Street) to get enough money to get a hotel room and have just fallen asleep on the streets of Baltimore. My brother and nephew are homeless and living on the streets. I balled. I'm so furious. I've let Dom stay with me, but because of his son, he keeps running back to the crackwhore. I'm sickened by this. I told him to take Nathan to social services if he can't do it. They will give him a paternity test and make sure that Nathan is his, and then he can fight for custody. If he's not, then they can put him in a better place then on the street. It's all about what is better for the child. I know it is breaking my brother's heart though. Nathan is his world. He's been with him constantly. Raising him while Sarah worked. It's killing me to have to give him this kind of advice when all I want to do is have him move in with me. Everyone in my family has tried to help them, but Dom always goes back to Sarah and it's going to eventually get him and Nathan hurt or killed. It's just not safe.