Spinning out of control.
Here is the situation. Drew was watching a movie and Miller knocked over a monitor that was sitting in the rocking chair. Drew started freaking that he couldn't hear the movie. He couldn't find the remote control. I told him to calm down or to turn it off. He still continued on his little rampage (and is still on it as I type this) and I took the movie out of the disk. He started freaking out...and I said forget it...and broke the disc in 2. He then proceeded to try to attack me.
WRONG MOVE. I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him to the ground. Simon got between us before I could smack the shit out of him.
So here is the question. Should I have tried to de-escalate the situation by letting him do what he wanted? or is doing what I did okay?
I personally feel that I don't need to have a 13 year old try to hit me.
2 Comments:
Jane, it's not a matter of letting do what he wants. It is a matter of letting things calm down a bit, rather than throwing gas on the fire. Perhaps we all need to review our anger management protocols. See here for an overview.
As the article notesAnger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.Not like we didn't see any of that tonight, eh? Drew launching across the room and you getting right into the cat fight, pulling at his Gregg Brady-ish hair.The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."Yup. I think I saw that tonight.
I think I need to go off and find a nurse.
;-)
Simon,
Thanks for your non-partisan view of anger.
Jane
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