Rejected....

I have lost my Zoloft. I can't find it anywhere and I've checked everywhere... well, obviously not everywhere since I can't find it. Day 3 without it. I'm starting to feel myself slipping into a weepy state and I'm not sure that I want to take the Zoloft anyway. It cuts me off at the knees as far as my emotions go. I don't feel real anymore.

The donor met an old friend for lunch today. I've been looking at things I shouldn't be looking at and found that he says that I don't make him happy. The baby makes him smile, but not me. His friend thinks he should marry me. He doesn't. And so I cry. I'm about to give up. I don't know what he wants. but it's not me. I don't quite know what to do. I now have left myself vulnerable by giving up my job security. I can turn to my family, but if I left the state then it would be a huge battle. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm not making him happy. What will make him happy? He says he's depressed. He's taking Zoloft, too. Yet, I wonder, if maybe he likes being miserable. It speaks to the poet in him.

I despair of ever being happy. I would like to find someone who will love me and want to be with me. Someone who enjoys being around me. I guess that is not him.

Should I look for someone else? Maybe I should just let it be. Men seem to complicate things and that's the last thing I need right now.

I hate this. I feel like I'm defeated when all I want is to feel nothing but anger. I want to be able to ask what is wrong with him? Why am I not what he wants? I try to make his life as simple as possible. I cook, I clean, I have sex with him. What the fuck more can he want? WHAT??? Is there some fantasy out there that I'm not fulfilling? Someone tell me! I can't stand being around here if I'm not wanted.

I want to scream. I want to rage and hit something. I want to walk away and not look back. I can't do that. I can't do that... That is what makes me angry the most. I can take the rejection. The initial rejection. I don't want to have to stay here and take the constant rejection. He blows hot and cold. I can't take it. I can't stand it. One minute it's like we are the perfect couple, the next he says I make him unhappy. Fine, then let me go. Except that I don't want to go, and yet I do.

Maybe I should find my Zoloft. Then I can be numb.