Jealousy
Lying in bed crying I decided that I need to exercise this sickness. I am jealous. I am jealous of Beth. I don't want her near the donor, my child or me. Unreasonable? Yes. I don't even know why I hate her, but I do. I want her to fall off the face of the Earth. I want her numbers to disappear from Simon's life and I want it to be permanently erased from his memory. I want her gone. I want too rip her apart and beat her head into the ground and scream at her to leave us the hell alone. But I will not do that. I would not do that.
The reality is that she is there. I can't do anything about it and I am letting this insecurity fester inside me until I can't take it anymore. Instead of talking to the donor about the trip, yes, he is going, I am bottling up. I can feel the wall up and I can't or won't let it down. I want to. I want to rage and scream and tell him not to go. I want to be there with him the entire time. I want to be able to protect what is mine. But I can't. I can't because it is not mine. He is not mine. He makes sure that I know that.
We haven't touched in three days. Not so much as a peck on the cheek. I haven't told him that I love him. I've been locked inside my head for days. Unable to get past this mental block. Maybe my mind was preparing me for the anguish I am feeling now. Protecting me by not letting me feel anything. Yet, as I lay in bed tonight I felt the wall crack a little. He climbed in next to me with a few polite remarks and was sleeping soundly. He even turned his back to me. No attempt was made to touch me. Nothing. As I lay there I felt the crack and the tears, silent, started to flow and the break in my heart forced me to leave my bed. I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him and have him reject me. Yes, reject.
He is rejecting me because I said that his friend was a whore. An uncalled for remark. I apologized, but only because I knew it was wrong. I'm sure she is a nice person. I just don't want her in my life. I don't want to deal with the insecurities that she brings. He rejected me, saying it was petty, small. There was no need for that remark. There wasn't. I know. I was just lashing out. I need to have some sort of protections from my fear.
What is that fear I keep asking myself.??? It's a thousand little things. Does he still love her? Does he regret that she left him? Will she change her mind and want him back? Does he want her back? He tells me no, but I don't have the security. The trust in him isn't there. He will do as he will. I know. I know and it hurts. Why does it have to hurt so much? It's like a stabbing in my chest. I want to scream and rage. I want him to feel this pain. I want him to feel how I feel. The constant insecurity. The pain. Dear God, the pain.
I can't bring myself to ask him if he is going to stay with her. I know he will see her. I know. I can't bring myself. I'm scared of the answer. I'm scared that she will break the delicate hold I have on him. A hold that is not right. A hold that is at a breaking point.
I don't want a hold. I want him to want me. Completely. I don't want to have to second guess every move he makes. I don't want the jealousy, the insecurity, the distrust. I want love. I want trust. I want the security of knowing that he wants me as much as I want him. I don't have it. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that if I ask him anything about the trip that he will say that I'm over reacting, that I don't need to worry about her. That I blow things out of proportion. But, do I? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I do know that I have to let him go.
What's the saying, " Let them free. If they come back it was meant to be"? Maybe in other cases. In mine he would not come back willingly. Only because of a sense of obligations. Not for the neediness in me. The constant reassurance that he isn't going to leave me. He won't come back for me. He will come back for the baby. The trap that he says that I've set for him. The hold that binds him to me.
1 Comments:
Hmm. Interesting thoughts here. a great deal of conflict and pain going on. An abundance of pride and some love and a lot of hurt. (Just my opinions) Let's see, you called her a whore because she hurts you and you wanted to hurt him back and try and take away the goddess image he has of her in his mind? It's a favorite tactic of mine, only I used the term "gutterwhore" because it made him wince in pain. Childish of me, but it was my pain I was expressing. (One day he finally got it and understood and I stopped feeling the need to use the term). And he is rejecting you sexually because he knows how much that hurts you. These are just specualtions on my part, but I am trying to understand and follow along here. (Funny, his last ex wife's name is Beth also)
Another thing, just another observation on my part, you couldn't have trapped him with a baby. If he fucked you willingly, and he isn't fixed, then he knew as well as you that there was that chance. If he did it and he did not use protection himself, then he set himself up regardless of whatever form of birth control you were using. 2 consenting adults cannot blame the other for a child that is the result of either one of them not taking steps to prevent it. It is that person's "fault" (and I use that term VERY loosly because I believe babies come for a reason and I don't ever think they are accidents) for not using protection themselves. It is no longer one person's responsibility. He could have been fixed, used condoms or not had sex with you if he wanted to prevent pregnancy.
And maybe, just maybe he is hurting in his own way too for things not following the way he wants them to and maybe he needs you to help him see that even if you take a different path, if the end result is the same, just enjoy the different scenery. It's easy to place blame and hard to accept it. Don't let pride and stubborness stand in the way of a loving relationship between the babies parents. I would also suggest several books by Dr Ed Wheat. (as a side note because they helped me and i think they are good even if they are all god related which can get really thick and one sided at times, but these have a nice balance to them) I am not a religious person so to speak, but I do like what Dr Wheat says in his books. 5 love languages, Love Life for Every Married Couple (even though you aren't technically married), etc. I have read them, re-read them and always take something from them. Poor girl, I hurt for you and hope that things work the way they should for you. {hugs} Just fuck him silly honey and love him your own way regardless of how he responds.
Remember, these were just my (unasked for) opinions and observations and I am just trying to make sure I am up to speed on what is going on!
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