I read the donor's blog tonight and I can't help but think that I'm not living my life to the fullest. Maybe it's the combination of the motivational speech and the conversation with my boss on the way home. It may even have something to do with the donor's obsession with strip joints and falling in love so easily. It all makes me yearn for something more.

Looking back on life I would have made certain changes, but since I can't do that I can go from here. I know my life is going to change once I have the baby. Little J is going to be a big change. It's going to be hard working on new goals with him around, but I need to do this. I need to make a change. I can't live and prosper in my current situation. The donor has been telling me this, but he can't motivate me. I can only motivate myself. I need to plan and execute. SERIOUSLY plan and execute. Stop making excuses for myself and the people in my life and start to make changes.

I'm going to set goals. Realistic goals and not so realistic goals. I'm going to accomplish them all. I don't plan on sitting in a strip joint 10 years from now looking for that perfect dream. I want to be living it.

The donor wants to teach at a private school. He used to be a teacher and was let go due to difference of opinion with the school's headmaster. Ever since I've know Mr. Winky all I've heard about is how he wants to go back to it. He's been out of it for 11 years and is still talking about it. A few nights ago he had dinner with the dean of the school that he attended. He told me that he wanted to teach there. Wanted little J to go there. It is life he wants.

Does he have any clue how hard it is for people to come up with a dream that sticks around that long? I think it's wonderful! I would love to have that much enthusiasm about something. He then tells me that he doesn't think it will happen. He isn't the right role model, there are too many obstacles. It's not something he's going to be able to do.

That is a cop-out. If he wants a marriage of convenience to me to make it look like we aren't a bunch of oversexed pervs, fine. I'll sign a prenup and we can state however long we want to keep this charade up. I don't want him using me or J as an excuse not to pursue his dream. If I can do anything to make up for the situation that we are in, the least I can do is sacrifice a little of my life to make his dream come true. It's important to me to do something right. I've screwed up too many things and don't want anyone to have to suffer because of my mistakes. I'm not being noble in suggesting this. If I didn't believe that he could be a wonderful teacher and make a difference I wouldn't bother. But I have faith in him and I'm willing to help him reach that dream, if I can.