Holiday Cheer

I just want to know where to get some...Holiday cheer that is. I have married a man who does not seem to want to celebrate Christmas. At least, he doesn't want to celebrate it with his new family. So, I spent my day with EJ, and we went to church, then took a nap and then went to the neighbor's house for a Jewish Christmas party. Not one gift was opened today. I don't have any pictures of EJ with his father on their first Christmas. Not one Merry Christmas from the donor. Not even a call saying that he wished he were here with me and the baby.
So, I sat with the neighbors from 4p.m. until 9. All the guests brought their families for dinner. Mom, dad, kids. It was nice. I guess I didn't realize just how much I wanted to have that family Christmas.
The donor was supposed to be there at 8. He didn't show. He didn't show because he stopped by his ex-wife's house to pick up Drew and to see Ralph. I don't condemn him for that, but I wish he would have invited me. He says that he was there for two minutes, but he didn't get home until 9. When I was walking home with the baby.
So, I cried. I still feel like crying. I just spent Christmas alone. Again. EJ doesn't count. He doesn't understand having people around that count. I guess that is why the donor doesn't want to spend the holiday with us. We don't count.
I guess that I will just have to start traveling for the holidays. If he doesn't celebrate it, because his boys aren't here, then why celebrate it for me and EJ? After all, the holiday doesn't happen if the boys aren't here.

I feel like I'm not being fair. I know that he loves the boys and that it must hurt him not to be able to spend Christmas with them. But I don't want to suffer because of it. If that is selfish, then so be it. EJ is here. He is important to me. I want him to have the best memories of Christmas. I don't want him to remember it as a holiday that isn't celebrated in this house. I want him to have a joyful reminder of Christmas, just like I had. It was the one holiday, other that Halloween that was celebrated in my house that had a happy memory attached to it. I like Christmas. I like spending time with my family during these times. I love watching the kid's faces when they wake on Christmas.

I guess we will have to talk about it.

Merry Christmas all....and to all a good night.