I don't want to be in charge. I've come to the conclusion that people look to me for answers and I don't like it. Why can't I be the one to ask questions? Why do I have to come up with the solution? Why can't you do it. Why can't someone else take care of the world's problems for once?

How is it possible that one person's actions are perceived by another as scheming or diabolical when in fact they were conceived to be helpful?

The situation I find myself in involves a man (don't they all) and a baby (yet to be born). There is no love in the "relationship" with this man. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure if there is much like involved. It was a mutual meeting of the bodies and an enjoyment of the moment(or moments), if you will.

We find ourselves pregnant. A first for me, not so for the Sperm Doner. Scared? Out of my wits. I've never done this before. It's probably going to a hell of a lot scarier than bungie jumping or any other extreme sport.

Tons of emotions are coursing through my brain. Joy for the first time mothering, sharing in the secrets of womanhood. Fear of having a child and not being a good parent. Worry about having to tell the Doner and finding out his reaction (which I have already figured out). This is starting not to be a positive thing.

I already know his reaction will be negative. He is older than me, settled in his plans. Hearing him speak you would think that his life is already over and that he is waiting for death. Certainly not the words of a man who is in his prime. Do I completely understand him? No, he is a paradox. Poetry and culture on minute and the typical dying male the next.

I ponder my options. Do I have an abortion that I am morally against for myself and not others? Do I entertain the notion of adoption? I find that I cannot do this... the protective mothering instincts that I did not know I had jumps at the answer "NO"!!! So what options do I have left?

Logically, my brain turns to the "have the baby' option. Not something that I have envisioned for myself, but I roll with the punches. I am not a planner by nature and realize that if I do plan, life is not always cooperating. So this is one of the unscheduled left turns that I must make. The same cannot be said for the doner.

Being a single woman I begin thinking about the situation like a single woman. I can put the baby on my insurance, find day care and maybe get a second job to make ends meet, but I will not force the Doner to have anything to do with a child that he does not want. Single parents are not uncommon in this day and age. I'd say that it is the new breed of parenting. Unfortunately, morals aren't as high as they were in the mid 1900s.

So I get all my ducts in a row and prepare the speech that must come. It generally reads like this in my head:

"I'm pregnant, and I have thought about my options and have come to the conclusion that I am going to keep the baby. I realize that this is not what you want for yourself and that it does not fit into your plans. Let me just say that I don't expect you to accept responsibility. Having the baby is my choice and not something that I expect you to welcome, so if you decide that you do not want this in your life I understand. I have a supportive family that will help me through this and I'm independent enough to provide support for the child and myself. If you would like to be a part of the baby's life I will not keep you from it, but I am not forcing you into it. You have the option to decline without condemnation"

Sounds pretty fair? Prepare for the worst, hope for the best? I didn't get to use it. He guessed. I suppose when you tell a man you want to talk to him and confirm that you aren't breaking up with him there are two options left " commitment" and "baby'. Being pretty firm on the afore mention left him with the option of the latter. I believe his reaction was "SHIT, SHIT, SHIT".A not uncommon response from a man, but not the ideal response. Did I mention that I did NOT get to tell him in person? That option was waylaid by modern technology. I digress.

Finding out this way gave him time to prepare his own speech that went something like this:

" I don't need this in my life, you don't need this in yours. We don't want each other and we don't want this."

I like my speech better, so I try to interject it into the conversation. I get to the point where I absolve him of all responsibility and he gets a little offended. Looking at his point of view I can see where this is insulting. He is a wonderful father to his kids. He spends quality time with them, knows what is happening in their lives and is actively involved in all aspects. So to tell him that he can walk away from this kids life is like saying that I don't think he can do it. Which is not true. He is a great dad. I'd love to have him feel that way about my child, but I KNOW this is not what he wants. He proves this by bringing up adoption.

I try not to get upset, but it's an emotional time. I am basically feeling like everything in my life is rejecting me. The guy I'm seeing doesn't want me and he thinks I will be a bad mother, so give it up for adoption. This is seconded by my co-worker who is telling me the same thing for purely selfish reasons. She cannot have children and wants mine. Granted I had no intentions of having a child but I am, so back off! This baby isn't going with anyone but me. I think I make this clear enough to all parties and then the tide turns.

I am now the bad guy. I am forcing a man to have a child. I have all the options and he has none. I am forcing him into this unwanted position. He is innocent of all wrong doing and I am the wicked witch that likes to pick on nice guys. Give me a break.

While I am sympathetic to his dilemma, I am also facing the crisis of a changing body and raging emotional mood swings. My reaction at first was empathy. Now, I'm pissed. What makes him think that he is the only person effected by this change? Should I apologize for not sitting on a cold table while some doctors scrapes at the living child in my womb? Should I carry this child for 40 weeks, watch it grow and feel it move inside me and then at the end give this being to someone else? It would be like tearing off my arm. I would be haunted for the rest of my life. Not to mention the emotional damage that this will do to an abandoned child. So I am not feeling very kindly toward those who think I am the bad guy.

What should happen now? He will take responsibility because that is what is right. I will, however, hear him kicking and screaming the entire way, which begins to wear me out emotionally.

There is the "US FACTOR" which is that there is no us. We were dwindling away anyway. We have sex occasionally, but it is not the same. Nothing is the same. I resent that his body will be the same and now that mine is changing, I feel that it is unfair. He can, figuratively, move on with life. I can't. So there is no win-win situation.