I've just returned from the northern part of the state where I met the rest of the donor's family. Let me just say that it was an interesting weekend. Simon's mother I've met. We get along pretty well and she was no great surprise. His father, on the other hand, is a minister and was very welcoming. They seem to take a liking to me. I didn't realize how much until we went to leave, but I'll get to that later.

We arrived Saturday afternoon and checked into our motel. Simon had his own room, the boys shared a room, his parents and Simon's nephew each had one, along with one for me. We all ooohed and ahhhed over the baby for a while considering that Simon's father had never seen him. Then we went our separate ways, but decided to meet up for dinner. At this point I hadn't established any sort of feelings towards his family, but during dinner I got the opportunity to get a bit of insight. Simon likes to push his parent's buttons. It's kind of amusing, but I don't think that he gets his sense of humor from them. As a matter of fact I'm not quite sure if they have much of a sense of humor. Although they are very nice, they don't seem to be the sarcastic jokers that I am used to.

Simon's nephew is very much immature for his age. He is 14 years old and is very sheltered. He has a lot of medical problems and his grandmother takes care of him. It's a little bit sad to see him so weak. After dinner we all went to the pool and there were a bunch of kids from a little league team staying at the hotel and they were about the same age as him and Simon's boys. The difference was like night and day. Simon's kids looked like they would have joined in with the playing if the boys would have invited them, but Michael, he was just exhausted and very weak when compared to them. I guess he is weak in general, but it was striking when you put him to the back drop of those kids. He can't swim, so he had a life jacket on and it made him stand out a little more. The following morning at church he had to leave the service because his body couldn't take the heat. It's very sad to see a child have to give up most of the wonderful things about being a child. No running, jumping, climbing trees, playing war in the woods and jumping around in the mud. It breaks my heart.

The evening ended with the donor taking EJ to his room and me getting a little more rest than him. First thing in the morning I went and got him and the boys ready and brought down for breakfast and morning insulin shots. His parents joined us for breakfast and I got the feeling that I was a topic of discussion last night. I assume that they were observing the way I was with the boys and the baby, but the donor's father made a comment about how I seem to be the sane one in the bunch and could keep everyone on track. Then he sat next to me and we had a talk about war and the 60s as well as baptisms. Apparently Simon's ex-wife didn't use the family baptism outfit and that did not sit well with them. I told them that I had asked if they had one and that that was fine to use. I didn't mention that my mother had already purchased an outfit that is being waited on to use. It was meant for my nephew, but he wasn't able to use it. She was hoping that I could use it, but I'm not about to break a family tradition. I will get my mother some pictures of the baby in the outfit when he gets older.

At church I met Simon's sister who is adopted, her family and his brother. Mary had two kids (4 and 2) and they are beautiful. She seems a little stand-offish, but that could be because I'm a stranger. Paul seems okay. He has Simon's sense of humor. I can relate to men better than women anyway.

After services Simon's son's were fighting over who got to hold they baby and Drew, his eldest, threw a temper tantrum, and made a huge scene in front of the entire congregation. He's 12. I think he had OCD. His meds can't be strong enough. He has meltdowns all the time. Anyway, he tried to physically take the baby from his brother, I guess in a rough way, and Paul was there, and gave him an ass chewing. Paul told me about it when he caught up with me, and I told Drew that he can't be doing that with the baby. He freaked. Of course he was already freaking, but I think that Simon and I chewing him out made him lose it even more.

So, I drove back to the reception with the parents and we talked about Drew's situation and stuff and I didn't really think much of the conversation except that I got a break from the kids. We arrived, ate and then Simon and his father went for a walk and had a little talk. I had no clue what the talk was about, but it put Simon in an off mood and we left shortly after that.

On the way home Simon told me that his father suggested that he "try to make things as right as possible". In other words, he wants us to get married. They seem to think that I would make a good stepmother for the boys and that I am a good mom to EJ. I'm a natural mother. That was the term that was used. Simon told him that he was not getting married. His father suggested that he reconsider and that was the end of the conversation.

I chewed on this for a while. At first I thought it was amusing, slightly archaic, but sweet. Then I was a little insulted and then I just got insecure. What was so wrong with me that the donor doesn't want to marry me??? What did I do to make him not think that I would be a good wife? The more I thought about it the more upset that I got. I kind of wish that I hadn't been told about the conversation. My insecurity level rose 100% and I started crying when we were talking about it. I told him that I wouldn't marry him because I want someone that wants to be with me and takes pleasure in my company. Someone who doesn't look on me as a responsibility or an obligation. Someone who loves me.

Needless to say, we are not getting married....

The donor mentioned (more than once) me staying home to take care of EJ. I have to say that I am tempted. It's going to be hard to let him go off to day care and to let him go with the donor to the mountains for two weeks. If we were married I would have done it in an instant, but I have insurance to think about and it's not like I'm a dependent of the donor's, so I can't go on his!

I've basically been stuck in the house for the past few days. My car is acting up in the same way as before, and my short term disability hasn't kicked in. This means that I can put the car in the shop, but I can't get it back until I pay for it! It sucks. It's the same problem that they supposedly fixed the last time.

The donor is acting strange. He is on a real estate kick. He wants to buy houses and become a land lord. He is obsessed. All he does is sit on the computer and search for places to buy. He's also determined to find me friends. He sent over a few of the neighbors to make nice and we are now in the process of being invited to dinners and stuff. It's a little weird. Not quite my style. I'm used to keeping to myself. At this rate I'll know everyone in the neighborhood by the end of the summer.

The zoloft seems to be helping. I'm much calmer. Now if I could just mingle some alcohol with it I'll be set!;)

The donor tried to make Mother's day up to me. He got me a certificate to a spa and took me out to dinner. I'm not complaining anymore, so I guess it worked, for the most part.

When he got back from his ex-girlfriends he had a couple of gifts that she bought EJ. I told him that EJ wasn't,t going to wear them, to do what he wanted with them, but they weren't going to be used. He could take them back to the store, give them away, or burn them for all I cared. I don't think he believed that I could be that small, but I don't see it that way. I don't want anything to do with the woman and that includes her gifts to EJ. The donor can be friends with her all he wants, but I am still harboring resentment that he slept with her while he was with me. I can pretty much guarantee that if EJ and I went out with one of my former men friends and they bought the baby all sorts of stuff that the donor would have a cow. Which is what I did when he tried to swaddle my son in the blanket that she bought. I asked the donor to nicely take the blanket off of EJ, to which he responded that he couldn't believe I was acting like this. I told him to believe it. He put the baby down, still in the blanket, and then came to dinner. I was pissed. I took the baby out of the blanket, told him I wasn't having dinner and went upstairs with the boy. Even if he thought I was the most unreasonable person in the world the least he could have done was respect my feelings on the matter. Weather he understood or not, it was my decision and my child. He apologized later and the stuff disappeared from the house. I don't know where it went, nor do I care.

I went to the doctors for my follow up care. He prescribed me birth control ( hope it works this time), ointment for my c-section scar (it itches and is infected), and zoloft so that I can stop crying. I think it helps. I forgot to take it this morning and I was feeling a little weepy at church today. I took it when I got home and feel better now. I have a little of the out of body experience going on. It's a bit strange.

I met the donor's mother, she came to stay the week after EJ was born. She's nice. One of those homemaker types. I felt a little bad that I wasn't much company for her. Plus one of his boys got diabetes and we wound up at the hospital and taking care of the other boy while the donor was out of town and their mom was with the other boy. So his mother did a bunch of running for the boys while she was here. I would have felt bad, but she's one of those people who needs to be useful and needed, so it worked out. It's too bad. She could have used a nice rest, which she said she got while taking care of me, which is sad. She takes care of the donor's nephew, who had a serious disease. She doesn't get much down time.

Coming up, it looks like I'm going to meet the rest of his family. Brother, sister, dad, niece, nephews...we're going up for Memorial weekend to see his niece get baptized.
After that I will be heading to my mother's for our family reunion. I just hope my short term disability kicks in by then! Otherwise I'm just riding with the donor and coming home due to cash flow problems...oh and if my car doesn't get fixed.:(

The donor has my child out with his ex-girlfriend. Having a hard time dealing with this is an understatement. I just cry because if I really let my feelings loose then something is going to get broken. I write because there is noone here to listen to me. Funny how he remembered to have lunch with her and I got jipped on my mother's day lunch that we were supposed to have. He seems to think that saying I'm sorry is just what I wanted to hear. He fucked up my first mother's day and that is all he can say or do. I'm still pissed and still weepy about it. Then he takes EJ to his fucking ex-girlfriend's for lunch, who he knows I can't stand. I may as well fucking jump off a bridge as I'm not needed here. If he tries to touch me I just may have to come after his ass. I don't think I can stand to be near him. My car is filled with stuff that I got from my house. I don't want to unload it in case I decide to leave. I don't know what to do anymore. I have so many emotions raging inside me that I feel like exploding. I can't talk anymore. He just got back.

He arrived. All 10lbs 1oz. and 20 inches of him. I'm talking about the baby. He was huge. EJ is what I'm calling him. He's a very good baby. I'm lucky that he isn't like the one's that cry all the time. I am having a bit of the baby blues. I think it's more like a depression. I don't like anyone and I feel like crying all the time. It's killing me because I have my reasons for feeling weepy, but they aren't rational.

Today is mother's day and I didn't get so much as a happy mother's day from the donor. What I did get is an early morning conversation from the ex-girlfriend that irritated the hell out of me and made me think. She's in town for an aunts wedding and wants to see the donor. They have a lunch date on Tuesday. I am pretty sure he will want to take the baby. I don't know how I'm going to react to that. I'm already not feeling happy with life. If he wants to share our child with his ex-girlfriend I may just say yes. I may not be here when he gets back, but that is something I am feeling now. It doesn't seem right. I don't know if I'm feeling a little bit extreme that I don't want to share anyone, or if I am being logical. I really don't have a grasp on my emotions.

I keep replaying the past year or so in my head. All the times when I was with the donor before and after the pregnancy and I can see now, where I couldn't before, the times when I forced him into being with me and him not wanting to. Fourth of July last year, my birthday, Valentine's day this year. It all had an air of reluctance that I had failed to notice until now. That is one of the reasons I've been weepy. I've forced this man into a "relationship" and now I regret it. I want him to have his own life, but I don't. I can't. He is now part of my life because I'm living with him. I think that it will be that way until I move out. If I can move out. I don't make enough money to survive on my own, let alone support a child. I could leave him here with the donor. That would just break my heart, but it's probably the right thing to do. I think he would be in better hands here with his father.

I don't know what to do. I really don't think that the donor and I will ever have a relationship, which means that we need to lead separate lives. I'm not sure where to start with that. I will have to get an apartment, and set up housekeeping. Then maybe I can get EJ on the weekends. My life is just too screwed up for him to be with me all the time. I need to think of his best interests. It's killing me.

My brother called me they day before yesterday. He has had the same girlfriend for about 7 years and over the past year or so, they have fallen on hard times. She is a stripper in Baltimore, who now has a crack habit that is eating up all her money and has destroyed her relationship and home life. They, along with their 4 year old son, have been living in motels living on the tips that she doesn't spend on drugs. Dom called me and said that it's gotten to the point that he and their son have been waiting out side Sarah's work (Baltimore Street) to get enough money to get a hotel room and have just fallen asleep on the streets of Baltimore. My brother and nephew are homeless and living on the streets. I balled. I'm so furious. I've let Dom stay with me, but because of his son, he keeps running back to the crackwhore. I'm sickened by this. I told him to take Nathan to social services if he can't do it. They will give him a paternity test and make sure that Nathan is his, and then he can fight for custody. If he's not, then they can put him in a better place then on the street. It's all about what is better for the child. I know it is breaking my brother's heart though. Nathan is his world. He's been with him constantly. Raising him while Sarah worked. It's killing me to have to give him this kind of advice when all I want to do is have him move in with me. Everyone in my family has tried to help them, but Dom always goes back to Sarah and it's going to eventually get him and Nathan hurt or killed. It's just not safe.