Drifting on a grey cloud
The donor and I did it again. Baby number three. Three babies under 5 years old. I don't know if I am handling it well. I'm in a vast field of depression and I can't seem to reach the end. I keep running and hoping, but it's like the field is eternal. I am deliberately avoiding life. The donor went on a trip for work and I can't help but feel resentful that he gets to escape. Escape. Like I'm a prisoner. I have three beautiful children and I can't seem to get past the depression to enjoy them. I get so angry at them and him. The donor. The man who rescued me. I feel so much resentment towards him. Some of it is earned. Some of it isn't. The anger isn't reasonable. I just hear the children cry and it sparks off this anger in my brain and then I'm yelling at them to shut up because I can't take it. I just can't take it. I cry at the drop of a hat.
I've been giving the donor the silent treatment. Not because I don't want to talk to him, but because I'm afraid of what I might say. I can't let him touch me. I pull away. I don't know why. It would be so nice to be hugged. To have some intimacy. Some alone time with him ...when I am not angry at him. I feel so disconnected from him; I feel distant from everyone. I can't seem to get back into it. I know some of it's hormones and baby blues. I'm only one month out of the pregnancy. The donor keeps telling Miller that mommy is sad. I don't want to be sad. I love my children. I don't want them to see me as the depressed mess that I am.
I'm renting dvds of different television shows. Heros, House, Grey's Anatomy...what ever will take me to a place that isn't here. I'm not usually a tv watcher. I don't know why. Now I'm obsessed with making sure I watch them all, in order, so that I can live vicariously through their lives. They have crappy lives. It's not sunshine and roses. Maybe I should watch something more optomistic.
Is it insane to be jealous over a woman who is being stalked by her ex-husband? I mean she seriously has issues that need to be delt with. He is homocidal and all. Yet, I'm envious. For two reasons. First, is that my husband is trying to help her. He wants to rescue her. I hate that. He loves that. He feels so manly when he rescues the poor helpless woman. I think it's an ego thing. A guy thing. I need help. I need rescuing. I thought about trolling online and chatting up a few guys for some flirtation. That's the other reason I'm jealous of her. She has someone who is obsessed with her. Wants her, even in an unhealthy way, and I don't. She is getting attention from my husband and I can't even feel sympathy for the ordeal she is going through. I want it to end well for her and her daughter. I want it to end soon, so that I can have my husband.
Not that she is the only distraction in his life. He has this whole online world he lives in. I get it. I think. He wants to escape reality and people listen to him. He is important in his online world. He makes a difference and is being heard. I get it.
So, where does that leave me? Blogging on a blog that started it all. On a computer I resent for it's connection that takes my donor away. Craving attention, love, comfort, understanding, and healing. I need someone to rescue me. My donor can't be there for me. If he can't, who can? Who do I have?
