Cold Feet? Or Something more?

I've been having second thoughts about getting married to the donor. I keep wondering if we are settling on each other and the answer that I keep coming back to is YES. This has me worried. I promised myself that if I were to get married that it would be forever. The "death do you part "type of marriage. Not the "well, if it doesn't work out we'll just get a divorce" marriage. If we are just settling on each other will we be happy or will we start to resent each other?

I lay in bed last night contemplating my future. Ten years from now will I still be fighting the ghosts of the pasts? Will I constantly wonder if he regrets marrying me? Will I still not trust him?

My friends have told me how their relationships are very open. They never hide their passwords for their emails, voicemails, etc. That's not the case with the donor and I. I have to pry (which I hate doing) and then I get almost no info from him. I'll hear in passing that something happened to him. It's like we don't share anything. I don't want that. I want to share everything with him.

He is reading this book on conflicts in marriage (for a class he's taking) and apparently there are 5 or 6 types of marriages out there. 3 are bad, and 3 aren't that bad. I'd say our relationship is a little bit of the last three combined. We aren't great, but we're pretty darn good.

There isn't any abuse;no fighting physically or verbal abuse (unless you count me calling him Simey). I just don't see where I have any big complaints about the relationship except that I feel like I'm in a constant battle for his affection and love. I don't want to have to fight for that. I think it should be given freely.

I lay in bed crying because I don't think I'm ever going to have his love, and I want it. I need it. I need more than what I'm getting. So I told him that I didn't think we should get married. He thinks that I'm just joking. I'm not. I'm scared that I'm going to resent him.

On another note, I have a lot of respect for stay at home moms. I never knew how much work goes into maintaining a clean, well run home (especially with 4 boys in the house; lazy, slovenly....).

EJ got his first tooth, or should I say teeth. Two on the bottom popped up. He's not even 6 months old yet!

A small step for mankind...or at least the donor.

I've talked with our priest, we are supposed to do a certain amount of marriage c ouncil, and he agrees with me completely that BETH is the devil. Ok, maybe not that, but that she probably has ulterior motives and that Simon should avoid her. THE DONOR still doesn't think that this is the case. However, he has agreed to take down the pictures of the ex-girlfriend and wife. WOOOHOOO! Finally, a little bit of give. Now I just need to get over her interference. That's going to be a little harder.
His ex-wife is going to be coming to the wedding. She wanted to know if the donor's brother was going to be there, I told her yes, and she said that the boys told her that he wasn't. I'm curious to know why they are at each other's throats. Simon's brother is a bit outspoken, so maybe he said something to her that she didn't like. It seems like more to me. A bit of sexual tension. Maybe I'm reaching.
The countdown has begun. I'm wondering who will back out first. Me or the donor. We have the dress, the rings, and this week we are getting the license. Seems kind of final. His mother called me to make sure that the bulletins are being worked on and to coordinate the readings. She also sent me a ring to welcome me to the family.

I'm nervous. I admit it. I'm not sure that I should be married. I've seen it end badly so many times and while Simon and I don't have the sorts of issues that people fight over to the destruction of their relationship, I have insecurities that I'm not good enough to marry. Silly isn't it.