Ok...so the Doner  and I have been married for more than 11 years.  We have three boys together. 

We don't have sex.  I don't want him and and he doesn't want me.  We sorta like each other. We love each other, but not like that. We agreed that I a can "play" with others. I have no desire, right now.  I am too jealous as a person to let him "play" alone. If he does it on the DL, I don't want to know. It's a psychological thing.

That is where we stand. Fo now.

I got hacked!! Lots to update. Soon.

Last Kiss

If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to recall the last time I've been kissed. I don't mean a peck, but a true passionate, in lust/love kiss.

Drifting on a grey cloud

The donor and I did it again. Baby number three. Three babies under 5 years old. I don't know if I am handling it well. I'm in a vast field of depression and I can't seem to reach the end. I keep running and hoping, but it's like the field is eternal. I am deliberately avoiding life. The donor went on a trip for work and I can't help but feel resentful that he gets to escape. Escape. Like I'm a prisoner. I have three beautiful children and I can't seem to get past the depression to enjoy them. I get so angry at them and him. The donor. The man who rescued me. I feel so much resentment towards him. Some of it is earned. Some of it isn't. The anger isn't reasonable. I just hear the children cry and it sparks off this anger in my brain and then I'm yelling at them to shut up because I can't take it. I just can't take it. I cry at the drop of a hat.

I've been giving the donor the silent treatment. Not because I don't want to talk to him, but because I'm afraid of what I might say. I can't let him touch me. I pull away. I don't know why. It would be so nice to be hugged. To have some intimacy. Some alone time with him ...when I am not angry at him. I feel so disconnected from him; I feel distant from everyone. I can't seem to get back into it. I know some of it's hormones and baby blues. I'm only one month out of the pregnancy. The donor keeps telling Miller that mommy is sad. I don't want to be sad. I love my children. I don't want them to see me as the depressed mess that I am.

I'm renting dvds of different television shows. Heros, House, Grey's Anatomy...what ever will take me to a place that isn't here. I'm not usually a tv watcher. I don't know why. Now I'm obsessed with making sure I watch them all, in order, so that I can live vicariously through their lives. They have crappy lives. It's not sunshine and roses. Maybe I should watch something more optomistic.

Is it insane to be jealous over a woman who is being stalked by her ex-husband? I mean she seriously has issues that need to be delt with. He is homocidal and all. Yet, I'm envious. For two reasons. First, is that my husband is trying to help her. He wants to rescue her. I hate that. He loves that. He feels so manly when he rescues the poor helpless woman. I think it's an ego thing. A guy thing. I need help. I need rescuing. I thought about trolling online and chatting up a few guys for some flirtation. That's the other reason I'm jealous of her. She has someone who is obsessed with her. Wants her, even in an unhealthy way, and I don't. She is getting attention from my husband and I can't even feel sympathy for the ordeal she is going through. I want it to end well for her and her daughter. I want it to end soon, so that I can have my husband.

Not that she is the only distraction in his life. He has this whole online world he lives in. I get it. I think. He wants to escape reality and people listen to him. He is important in his online world. He makes a difference and is being heard. I get it.

So, where does that leave me? Blogging on a blog that started it all. On a computer I resent for it's connection that takes my donor away. Craving attention, love, comfort, understanding, and healing. I need someone to rescue me. My donor can't be there for me. If he can't, who can? Who do I have?

It's been a year????!!!!

So, I stopped posting. Simon and I got into this huge debate on the time we spend at the computer and I guess I was trying to prove a point about being able to step away...so I guess I managed to do it for a while. Of course, I wasn't taking classes for about a year, and I am now, so maybe it was a convenience thing.

UPDATES! I'm 8 months pregnant. Due date is 6-21-08. It's been a crappy pregnancy. I've been sick the whole time (yes, even this morning I had a puking spell), the good part is that I've only gained 17lbs. Different from Miller (60lbs.) and Mason (27 lbs.). You'd think Simon and I'd learn to take consistent birth contol. I think we (the kids and I) are sucking his brain and wallet dry. I have only worked part time since we've been married and that's been off and on. So, he's still paying child support for his first two boys, and then there is us. I feel bad, especially since I'm not used to being home all the time.

My sister is STILL HERE! She knows that we need the room, but she isn't making any efforts to move. I told her that it was coming...she complained to my mom (who is VERY much on her side on all things) and my mom tried to explain to me that it's a tough world on your own, etc. etc. My reply was that I know, that I've rescued lots of people from the world, yet Dee has stayed the longest and has the most options. I know she is deeply depressed, but I'm not helping her any by letting her stay here and wallow in her misery. She needs a purpose in life and I'd love to help her in that direction. I think that she feels she needs to find a man and such. If she would NOT concentrate on that, then she would probably have a fuller life.

I'm trying not to be mean about that. I love her and want her to be happy. I just want my house back. She's been doing somethings that have me worried. Making out with strange guys in my house, bringing strange guys to my house (my kids sleep in the loft, as they gave up their room to her when she moved in OVER A YEAR AGO!), and is usually drinking, if not drunk every time she has money. I want to do an intervention, but dunno if that is the right thing to do.

As for Simon and myself, we hardly ever get to have sex. It sucks. When we do have a chance, it's great, but we don't often have the chance. :(

All else is okay, I think. Baby #5, who will be a boy, has no name yet. We've run out of boys names!

Yee Gads

Yikes! It's been a while! Miller and Mason *I guess that's what the donor calls them* are doing well. Miller is alright with having a little brother now that he laughs at whatever Miller does. All in all, the donor and I are getting along. Money is tight and my sisters are still around. It's disgustingly trashy with them in the picture. I'll post more now that I've rediscovered my mind....

Missed everyone and I hope to catch up on Magdala and Carrie and all....:)