The donor and I sort of had it out last night. I'm drained. He tried to gloss over the trip to visit his ex-girlfriend and said he was going someplace else. I told him that I read the email that he was going to stay with her while in her area and that I know he is going to sleep with her while there. He denied it, but I know that they will. I know.

So I started crying. Like I've had my heart ripped out. I asked about his sex life in the past few months. Sometimes he'll blog about true and untrue. One that he blogged about was true. The blowjob on the roof of the library. I am hurt. I hate him. I love him. I'm ripped apart inside.

I can't make him love me. He says that I want the security of marriage. I don't. I want the security of love. I can't get that from him and it's just going to get harder. I have to love him and live with him as if we are a married couple and all the while I have to deal with the fact that he doesn't love me, and never will.

I can sleep in his arms and pretend that we are together, but in reality I am just some woman who is convenient. I can't take that. I am drained. I said something to him about not teaching EJ how to deal with women and he took offense. I apologized. He is a good father, and I believe that completely.

Now I have to suffer with him staying with her for those days, and I have to lie in the same bed with him and think about the woman who gave him the blowjob. I can't stand it.