When I think of fireworks I always picture a couple wrapped in each others arms sharing a beautiful view and a romantic moment. Tonight I have discovered that even when you are with someone, you aren't necessarily with someone. Simon and I saw a fire works display tonight. My neighbors were there sitting next to each other and holding hands. Simon and I were separated by 3 chairs and his mind. Before the show began he walked up and down the street "looking for people he knew". The only person he could have been looking for is his ex-wife and her spouse. Hell, not even the spouse; just her.

I can't compete with her and I am thinking that she's not competition. She's probably thinking the same thing. Why can't he get over her? What makes her so special?

He leaves tomorrow and will be gone for a week. His parents, who want us to marry, will be here on Saturday. I don't know if I'm up to this. He's walking around like he's lost his best friend. Snapping at the boys and at me. I want him to go away. I need a break. I also want to weep. I want more. I'm sorry he's upset that his life is not the way he wants it. Neither is mine. Get some happy pills and deal with it!

Speaking of.... my doctor upped my prescription. I am now on 100mg instead of 50. He told me to take them until September on 2005. That's a little over a year and a half. Oddly enough, I haven't felt depressed until today. I feel sad and weepy right now. Before it was as if I could feel anything. I was almost like I had an out of body experience. I hope it doesn't stay that way with the Zoloft.