The donor returned from his trip up north. While he was away I went to my mother’s house and visited. She made me angry the last time I was there, so I wound up skipping the visit with my grandmother. I figured that it wasn’t fair to punish my gran just because I was mad at my mother, so I went back up. It was nice. We went to karaoke and I met up with an old high school friend for a few drinks.

Anyway, the donor’s depression has put me a bit over the edge. I read his blog entry on going to the strip joints and talking to the stripper about EJ and me. He says that as he is speaking he can feel himself sinking into a depression. It’s nice to know that I have that effect on a man. It depresses me to know that I can make someone feel so low. I don’t want that from him. I’m not sure what I want from him.

I’ve been weepy again today and yesterday. I haven’t cried, but I went to bed right after dinner. I feel like I could explode. I can’t seem to get a grasp on my feelings. They are jumbled.. fear, rage, lust sadness, anger, love. I can’t hold on to any except for the insecurity. I hate that feeling the most. I don’t feel loved and it’s starting to take a toll.

I thought about going out and having sex with someone other than the donor, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. It may have to do with my mind set that I belong to him and he to me. When I’ve slept with someone else in the past I’ve been thinking of him. I doubt that he does the same. I never thought that I would love someone who didn’t love me. It makes me feel bad about the married men I’ve slept with. Their wives must be wondering about what they did to drive a man away. I wonder the same, just in a different way.

I know the reason for my recent insecurities. I was home yesterday playing on the computer and was automatically logged into something that wasn’t mine…and saw something that I shouldn’t have…and now I’m wondering if the donor will mention it or if he will pretend that nothing is happening.