I don't think it's the hormones anymore. I think my life is just plain taking a shitty turn. I'm sitting at lunch, crying. I'm scared, and upset and just plain out of it. I'm in pain, I'm hurting, I'm miserable. I can't get happy. I can't sleep at night, and I'm just feeling exhausted about everything. The donor keeps nagging at me about spending time with him. If I'm there he feels crowded, if I'm not there he says I'm not taking care of myself. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm getting closer and closer to this baby coming and I don't want to have to deal with anything. Unfortunately, I can't just sit in a hole somewhere. Even though that is exactly what I want to do. I can't take anymore negativity. I can't try to be positive about the baby coming and have to constantly keep knocking out the negative commentary from the donor. He runs hot and cold. I need something stable in my life right now, and I'm not getting it.

I'm feeling pretty weepy today. I've been feeling off all day. I'm not sure what it is. My boss took one look at me and told me to go home. So, I finished up my paperwork and home I went.

The donor asked me to watch his boys this weekend, as early as 7 in the morning, so I figured that I would go over his house if that was alright. So I paged him about coming over, that way I wouldn't have to drag myself out of bed at 6 in the morning, and got a message back that he and the boys would be entertaining his ex-girlfriend that evening, but I was welcome to come over after 9.

Some how that didn't help improve my feelings. I know I'm not feeling very secure about things, but to hear that he doesn't want me to come over because he is going out with his ex-girlfriend put me at the bottom of the barrel. If I wasn't feeling suicidal then, then I am now.

Here I sit... almost 9 months pregnant, with nothing better to do. No friends in my area and depressed as hell. I want this all to be over with. I want everything to disappear. I don't want to have any feelings anymore. I don't want anything.

And soo.... the saga lives on. Tons of stuff has happened since my last posting. I'll start of with Dee and her estranged spouse.

Dee found a letter in the computer from his non-existant girl friend, Erica. When Dee came back from my house she found the same chick's number on her caller ID. She called the girl and the girl swore that she had only dated him a few times. These must have been the times when he spent hundreds of dollars on dinner and flowers and stuffed animals that Dee found on their bank statement. Anyway, the letter stated that the girl was in love with him and that no matter how much they had to defend their relationship, that she would always love him. Come to find out, the chick has a boyfriend, she's a 20 year old recruite who Dee's husband has signed up for the military and she's from a very Christian family that won't take too kindly to her breaking up a marriage.

So, Dee, with all this knowledge confronts her hubby and he confesses that he's been seeing her. He's in love with her and wants to be with her. That's why he wants the divorce. He was an ass-hole to her because he can be. Not because she has done anything, just to make it look like they weren't getting along so that he could have an unsuspecting reason to get a divorce. That pissed me off. I've had my sister crying in my house for weeks because she couldn't understand what she did wrong, when he and his little fucking floozie are running around having an affair and making her feel like shit at 8 months preg. Oh, hell no!!!

So I told Dee to send me the letter and the chicks number. My co-worker and I called her and left her a little message about how you shouldn't fuck a married guy with three kids and expect not to be judged and that if she had any common sense that she would dump his ass because this isn't the first time that he's done this and if she thinks that he's not going to cheat on her then she needs to talk to Dee since he was married before he met her! Then we told her that the next time she decides to have an affair that she had better think twice before sending him an email via the address that his wife has access to. We told her to grow up and stop writing like a five year old and to welcome to the real world if she thinks she can upset my family and live a non-disturbed life. (*** I should note here that I have no intention of making the girl's life miserable. Dee's husband would do that. I just wanted to give her a wake up call to realize that she wasn't the only person involved, no matter how fun the sneaking around is).

So Erica called up the asshole, crying that we left her a mean message. He called Dee and then wanted to know who did it. She told him it was me and I told her that if he had a problem with it to give me a call, because I had a few choice things to say to him. He didn't call. Why would he...why stand up for the woman you "love" and defend this awesome relationship.

Now, Dee has all this info to hang him by the balls, and she lets him sweet talk her in to doing nothing. Sheesh... women are idiots when it comes to men they love.

Speaking of idiots.... the donor and I went to the swingers party this weekend. Me in all my pregnant glory and he in his morose frame of mind. He made me cry on the way up, bitching, yet again, about the baby and the changes that we will have to make and how he doesn't want this and blah, blah, blah. The subject of adoption came up again and we argued... like always. I can't understand the desire to give up a child. No matter how hard it will be on you. Sacrifices can be made. Life can be shaken up. That's what makes life interesting. Hell, if he continues on his path the way he wants he will end up dead in 10 years. Dead from boredom.

As for the party. I had a good time. I love to go for the social aspect. I wasn't feeling pretty sexual, so I just hung out and socialized for a while. Mr. Winky made his rounds in a haze of whisky and kahlua( not mixed). It made him pretty relaxed, so it was a pleasant evening, all-in-all. You can check his blog to see how he felt about the evening. By 1 we were in bed and scrumped, then I went back out for a last round. I was back in the room at 2ish and my friend Anne and Sam invited me over for a 3some... I declined as I was swelling again and the baby was sitting on my bladder. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for sex. Oddly enough!!! I think I'm over my sexual frustration phase.

Dee is back up north. Her house hunting turned up nothing since she couldn't provide proof of income, so she told him he would have to leave. She has an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. She's lost 10lbs. He wants her to not contest the divorce. She found receipts for flowers, all her pictures were taken off the wall, and she found a girl's number on her caller ID. Is he a moron or what?

I'm hoping she gets a mean ass lawyer who will suck him dry! Just because he was scmuck enough to ask for a divorce while she was 8 months pregnant. I'm so upset with him.

I'm going on week two without my car. I am starting to get a little frustrated. They already replaced the clutch, and they need to replace the water pump. My friend's husband is working on it for me, but I'm getting a bit impatient. I hate having to ask for rides anywhere. I would take the bus, but my bladder isn't as strong as it used to be. I have to go every hour or so. Not really conducive to relaxing travel arrangements. So tonight I've canceled dinner with Mr. Winky and the boys and am instead going to sit in the mechanics office until I get my car back. I've shelled out enough money that it should be ready today!

My sister left this morning. She is headed back to the husband to make him move out. She can't seem to get a place down here until she has proof of some income. Makes sense to me.

I had a dream last night that he was divorcing so that he could get married again. The date had been set and she needed to have everything finalized by the 23rd of July. That's when the wedding is to take place. Her name was Alice. It was a strange dream.

As for my sex life... it's non-existant. No sex with the donor, not visits to Bill, not even a wave to my vibrator. I haven't even had the opportunity to masturbate! I plan on correcting this at the next available opportunity.