I'm done.... this is my last post. I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself. Thanks for listening.

The holidays are coming up and I want to spend them with my family. The only problem with that is that I've had to spend all the vacation time I've saved up on funerals and being sick. I'm a little upset by this, but I know I have to keep working in order to ensure income. I'm still waiting to win the lottery. I sure hope that I don't have to play to win...

I'm going out with the donor's want-to-be girlfriend today. It's pissing me off, the way she always comes up in our conversations. Reason being, is that I like her and don't want to be jealous over a friend of mine. So, when the guy I'm sleeping with keeps bringing her up all the time, it makes it a little hard to keep her in a friend category. It's stupid, because it's not her fault, but it makes me not want to spend time with her. Men ruin everything.

I've been thinking that this relationship that I'm having with the baby's father is not healthy. I'm torn about the situation. I find myself craving company and he is there and appears to be willing to offer it, however, I don't feel that it is what either of us wants. Yes, I desire to have company, but I want the company of someone who wants my company, and that is not the vibe I've been getting.

He, on the other had, is content to be alone. The vibe he is emitting is not a negative vibe, and he does ask me to come over, but it can't be whole hearted. He says little things about not getting attached and so on.... which I understand...but is not an easy thing to do if we spend a lot of time together.

What do I do? Do I keep spending time with him?

Then I have another issue. I've been put on "pelvic rest", which is doctor for no intercourse. I am a rather passionate person and the situation is not very kosher with me. The baby's father and I are fooling around as best we can, but it really leads to frustration on my part. I'm not getting any release. Don't get me wrong. I usually reach a peak in one way or another, but it's not in the form I am craving...this results in me being on the verge of tears at the end of the session.

Do I keep this up or cut it off completely?

The baby-to-be's father is being especially attentive lately. Don't know how long it will last, but I think I'll let it flow for a while... I'm wondering if I should tell him that I've discovered his new blog site????!!!!

JUST KIDDING

The blog I found this past weekend was written by the soon-to-be-father of my unborn child. In the blog were his ways of dealing with the negative, or rather ambivalent emotions he was having toward myself and the child. Because he likes to believe that he is a decent person who will do the right thing, the true, negative feelings he has are at war with his sense of duty and honor. The result of this war was a private blog that I came across while I was using his computer. He was always telling me that there were some great blogs out there, so I decided to check out the ones he saved. One was the journal he was keeping in regards to our situation. By the time I realized what it was, there was no way that I could stop reading...

Let me tell you, when they say that ignorance is bliss, they have no idea how right they are. I don't think I can describe how heart broken I was when I read these entries. If I ever felt bad about anything in my life it was made ten times worse when I read this entry. I heard him tell me many times that having this child was not what he wanted and I knew that deep down he blamed me for it, but to have him put it in writing that he did not want me or the child, really hurt.

It wasn't so much that he was torn about the issue. I, too, am torn. It was the fact that he put his dislike of me on the web for others to view. I like to think that I'm not a mean person. I don't want to put anyone into a situation that is not of their choosing if I can help it. Believing this to the fullest, when I found out about the baby, I gave him the option of stepping out of our lives. I did not do it as a noble gesture, I did it because I believed that this was not what he wanted and I didn't want to force someone to be in my life and that of my child's when they are resenting the entire situation. The child doesn't need that, I don't need that and the father doesn't need that. So when I read the blog and saw comments as to the entire thing being my decision, and that why shouldn't I carry a burden, that I just couldn't believe my eyes.

Then, there was the part that was more personal (if it can get more personal). The part where he wasn't hot on kissing me. That stung. I'd like to think it's not ego. It may be ego for all I know, but I can't help but think of the times when I asked him if he wanted out. That I wanted him to see other people and have him tell me that it wasn't what he wanted right now. That he was fine with the way things were. Obviously it wasn't fine.

Now, I have a slight issue with letting people do things to hurt me and then gloss over it. I usually let it go. I can't understand what good it does holding a grudge. So I tell myself to let it go...and I can for the most part. It's just that when I find myself alone, I think, and the thoughts lead to " what is it about me that is so very terrible?" and I cry. Like I'm doing now. It hurts, and then I realize that all the things, little things that people gloss over, still hurt. I guess you never really get over it after all.

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Just in case anyone wants to judge my kissing....

I came across a blog today that was too familiar for comfort. The names had been changed, but all the situations were the same as mine, with the exceptions of them not being from my point of view. I read them all. www.blue4u2day.blogspot.com I'm wishing I hadn't found it.

I had an enlightening talk with the "baby daddy" the other night. I'm not sure what I was enlightened on, now that I think about it, but it had something to do with the supportive role of the male during pregnancy. I didn't think that one could use the words "supportive" and "male" in the same sentence, but we managed to have an entire discussion about it.

Needless to say, we were arguing, something we seem to be pretty good at, and we got to the part where something I did irritated him, he yelled at me, then felt bad that he yelled, because it was not a supportive thing to do.


Let me ask this... If a man knocked you up (assuming you are female), and then dumped you...wouldn't yelling at you be the least supportive thing you'd be worried about?