When I grow up I want to be an actress. I figure it's the only job that has possibilities of being everyone while being anyone. I don't need any skill besides the one of pretending. Think of all the time I'll save not learning all the different trades in school. Of course, the roles are temporary and the scenery and people are constantly changing, but, hey, who needs consistency. It's overrated. You miss out on a lot of interesting things when you follow a pattern. Life should be an adventure.

I sometimes find myself creating roles in life to fill my career void. I should take the plunge and start acting again... instead, I entertain crazy ideas like becoming a phone sex operator. The thought of telling my grandmother about my possible new job made me pause. What would she think? So I decide against it. It's too outrageous. But is it?

Who determines what is too outrageous? When I compare myself to other women, I know I'm not the same as them. I have acknowledge that I am not the norm. How many women in the US go to swing parties, believe that women can make it on their own and prosper, the same-sex relationships are a wonderful way to have people bond?

Some of these ideas are not accepted in today's society. Times have changed, so that not as many people are persecuted for these beliefs, but they are not wholly accepted.

I think about some of the people I know raising children on the beliefs that their parents instilled in them and it gives me the creeps. To have a child prejudiced against people because of their color or religion or sexual persuasion, I can't have that happen to my child. I'm fortunate that the father of my child does not have these prejudices, so it will make teaching the child that to accept people for who they are, not what they are, much easier.

Maybe my child will have a harder time being accepted into polite society because it believes ( I hope) things can be different and people can live together without hate. That would make everything worth while.

:: how jedi are you? ::

I meet someone this weekend who was pretty fascinated by my relationship with the donor.
Apparently, it's not the norm to break up with your soon-to-be baby's father and still have a sexual relationship. I think I'm a little shocked. Here I was thinking that we seem to be getting along now that the "relationship/non-relationship" is over.

Today's new and exciting disaster with La Canine is the feather duster. EVERYWHERE! She plucked it clean. Wanna know how easy it is to get BLUE feathers out of carpet?

Normally I am an animal lover. Cats, dogs, birds, reptiles, rabbits, even mice aren't too bad. I am usually more into cats as they are pretty self-sufficient animals. One doesn't have to worry about leaving them at home alone for the weekend or that they need someone to walk them. Litter boxes are a wonderful thing!

Detouring from my normal cat habit, I found myself with a dog. Not something that I would normally go for. Dogs are a big responsibility, on that I was reserving for an exotic bird.

Anyway, I have a dog who is the most destructive dog in the world. I think she has it in her to be vindictive. She waits until I leave for work and then all heck breaks loose.

House training is a joke. I have attempted to keep her confined to a certain area of the house, namely the kitchen, and have learned that the swinging door, even with three chairs, a gate and heavy objects on the chairs placed in front of the door, are no match for her. She escapes to tear up the house. The back yard is the same way. She jumps fences. Did I mention she is a rotweiler mix?

She is inventive, too. I have come home to the dining room table being ram-sacked. Laundry baskets sitting on the table with neatly folded clothes strewn about the house. Some lying in lovely piles of her waste! The joy. Once came home to a vicious case of dog diarrhea. It was on the wall. Someone please explain to me how that happened. Garbage cans are no match for her. If someone leaves the bathroom door open, LOOK OUT WORLD. It's not fun cleaning up feminine napkins in pieces. And this is just some of the fun things that I have to look forward to everyday.

Why is it that people get pets? I don't know, but the next time I get up at 2:35 to take her out to do her duty (this will be tonight, just as it is every night), I will ponder that question.

Idol


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my personality???

Men are like shoes.

You can never have too many, cuz you don't know what kind you're going to need on any particular day....

When I was a little girl I didn't play with dolls. I thought they were a waste of time and space. I also didn't like stuffed animals. I was weird, I know. I liked to play war in the woods and go exploring. I remember coming home one time, covered in mud from falling in a ditch, and thinking that my mom was going to kill me because I'd gotten so messy. She saw me coming home, covered in slimy gross mud while crying that I'd fallen, and she laughed. She thought it was great. Cleaned me up and I didn't even get in trouble. I don't have many pleasant memories like that My parents divorced when I was seven.

Now I'm going to be a parent and it is starting to hit me that this is going to change my life in more ways than I expected. I will have to compromise with the father of the child in many ways. Living arrangements, day-care, expenses (which are a sticky subject) and the like. I'm having a hard time with it. He typed up a PRENATAL AGREEMENT. I don't like it. It makes me face reality in a hard way. I'm going to have to plan, to grow up. I don't want to do that yet. I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be ready.

I'm sure you've been asked the question "how are you'? As I'm sure the normal response is to say "I'm fine".

I just asked myself that question and the answer I am coming up with is that I am NOT fine. I don't think things have been going very well in my life. I don't know how to change that, but I feel like I can't get a grip on anything.

Part of me wants to stand up and fight, but there is another part of me that is so tired that I can barely make it through the day. I'm scared that I won't be able to get through this period in my life. I'm afraid that I take on to much and yet, not enough. I want a break, but I have that nagging voice in my head saying that maybe I don't deserve one. That this is the way my life will be and there is not going to be any change. It will always be difficult, complicated and worrisome. I need laughter. I don't sing anymore, I don't laugh anymore.

My week is off to a booming start. I've had so many things go wrong that I just want to crawl into a ball and fade away. I'm alone, I won't be missed. The girl I have staying with me, who I haven't felt right about the entire time, is causing some grief. She has a boyfriend who is an alien on a work visa. He got arrested for drunk driving the other night. They put him in juvenile Hall and he escaped. I told her that under no circumstances that he was to come into the house. He was now running from the law and I was not going to have us get in trouble by harboring a fugitive. So I go to work and find out that she let him into the house anyway. Then there is the dog. I got a notice from the City about her putting the dog out in the front yard and not being home. When I leave every morning the damn dog is in the house! They want to site me for improper environment for the dog. That isn't even the end of it.... I got home after a stressfully, busy day at work, after being informed that we are going to have more lay offs to a notice on my window that says that the house is unfit for occupancy. Both upstairs and down. No reasons, explanations. We don't even know why the notice is there. It could be structural damage, whatever. No clue. Then I go into the house to finish the clean up I started. (BTW the sink is leaking whenever I do laundry.) and I find that the dog, who just ran out the door and down the street, had diarrhea all over the living room carpet and wall....then in my bedroom.

Tell me God has a sense of humor.