Life goes on...

The donor returned from his training with a new outfit for the baby.  He says that he bought it, but mysteriously there is not a sales receipt or anything to indicate that he purchased it at that time.  I do believe that Beth bought the baby another outfit.  I told him as much, and he denied even seeing her, which I don't believe.  But I've decided not to persue it.  I'm going to let it go (as much as I can). 
 
My birthday is this weekend, so we are going to do something special.  I had to cancel the swinger party due to body schedule.  Wouldn't have been any fun to be fluff. 
 
I'm teaching vacation bible school this week.  I love little kids.  Sometimes I forget how much fun they are.

Jealousy

Lying in bed crying I decided that I need to exercise this sickness.  I am jealous.  I am jealous of Beth.  I don't want her near the donor, my child or me.  Unreasonable?  Yes.  I don't even know why I hate her, but I do.  I want her to fall off the face of the Earth.  I want her numbers to disappear from Simon's life and I want it to be permanently erased from his memory.  I want her gone.  I want too rip her apart and beat her head into the ground and scream at her to leave us the hell alone.  But I will not do that.  I would not do that. 

The reality is that she is there.  I can't do anything about it and I am letting this insecurity fester inside me until I can't take it anymore.  Instead of talking to the donor about the trip, yes, he is going, I am bottling up.  I can feel the wall up and I can't or won't let it down.  I want to.  I want to rage and scream and tell him not to go.  I want to be there with him the entire time.  I want to be able to protect what is mine.  But I can't.  I can't because it is not mine.  He is not mine.  He makes sure that I know that.

We haven't touched in three days.  Not so much as a peck on the cheek.  I haven't told him that I love him.  I've been  locked inside my head for days.  Unable to get past this mental block.  Maybe my mind was preparing me for the anguish I am feeling now.  Protecting me by not letting me feel anything. Yet, as I lay in bed tonight I felt the wall crack a little.  He climbed in next to me with a few polite remarks and was sleeping soundly.  He even turned his back to me.  No attempt was made to touch me.  Nothing.  As I lay there I felt the crack and the tears, silent, started to flow and the break in my heart forced me to leave my bed.  I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him and have him reject me.  Yes, reject.

He is rejecting me because I said that his friend was a whore.  An uncalled for remark.  I apologized, but only because I knew it was wrong.  I'm sure she is a nice person.  I just don't want her in my life.  I don't want to deal with the insecurities that she brings.  He rejected me, saying it was petty, small.  There was no need for that remark.  There wasn't.  I know.  I was just lashing out.  I need to have some sort of protections from my fear.

What is that fear I keep asking myself.???  It's a thousand little things.  Does he still love her?  Does he regret that she left him?  Will she change her mind and want him back?  Does he want her back?  He tells me no, but I don't have the security.  The trust in him isn't there.  He will do as he will.  I know.  I know and it hurts.  Why does it have to hurt so much?  It's like a stabbing in my chest.  I want to scream and rage.  I want him to feel this pain.  I want him to feel how I feel.  The constant insecurity.  The pain.  Dear God, the pain.

I can't bring myself to ask him if he is going to stay with her.  I know he will see her.  I know.  I can't bring myself.  I'm scared of the answer.  I'm scared that she will break the delicate hold I have on him.  A hold that is not right.  A hold that is at a breaking point. 

I don't want a hold.  I want him to want me.  Completely.  I don't want to have to second guess every move he makes.  I don't want the jealousy, the insecurity, the distrust.  I want love.  I want trust.  I want the security of knowing that he wants me as much as I want him.  I don't have it.  I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I ask him anything about the trip that he will say that I'm over reacting, that I don't need to worry about her.  That I blow things out of proportion.  But, do I?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I do know that I have to let him go.

What's the saying, " Let them free.  If they come back it was meant to be"?  Maybe in other cases.  In mine he would not come back willingly.  Only because of a sense of obligations.  Not for the neediness in me.  The constant reassurance that he isn't going to leave me.  He won't come back for me.  He will come back for the baby.  The trap that he says that I've set for him.  The hold that binds him to me. 

The donor and I were lying in bed last night and I was getting a little irritated.  I don't quite know why.  I wasn't mad, just kind of frustrated.  So I asked him a few things that were swimming around my cluttered mind and I'm not sure if I fully comprehend the answers. 
 
Question 1).  Are you going to be moving into a different bedroom.
Answer :  I don't think so.
 
Question 2).  Are you leaving to visit the Ex- GF on Wednesday?  And if so are you going to be staying at her house.
Answer:  I don't know.  I have to see if I can get someone to finance the training I will be taking.  If not, no.  If so, yes I am going.  NO, I am not going to stay at her place.  I will get a hotel.
 
Question 3).  Are you going to invite her to your hotel?  And let her know you're in town? 
Answer:  No.
 
Question 4).  Are you doing this because of me?
Answer: Yes.
(My comment there was good).
 
Then I asked him if he was going to date anyone else or if he has any desire to see anyone else.  He said No.  I asked why and he said because he is living with me.  (Serial monogamous)
 
None of this reassured me. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure why I asked.  I have been kind of out of touch with my feelings.  Like someone switch off my on button.  I'm drifting in my emotions, not quite getting happy, not really upset.  Just blah.
 
EJ is teething.  He's fussy and wants to be held all the time.  I've tried ice pops, whisky and cold cloths and he still is fussy.  Poor baby.  He goes for his shots today.  Then we are going to see I ROBOT.  I don't have any desire to see that.  I don't have any desire to do anything.
 
The house is still a wreck from our coming home from vacation.  Bins are lined up in the hall as well as a mountain of clean laundry that needs folding and put away.  And it will sit there until I can get the energy to put it away.    I don't know why I'm so drained.    EJ has been sleeping throughout the night, so I'm pretty sure it's not sleep deprivation.  Maybe my pills aren't working anymore.
 
The donor and I've started dieting.  It's day 2 and it's been going pretty good.  Yesterday was hard.  I wanted a piece of cake so bad that I could smell it every time I closed my eyes.   Today is much better.  I've had a couple of hard boiled eggs and I'm going to have some sugar free jello tonight as well as a nice salad or something.
 
The donor and I had a bit of a spat the other night.  He keeps insisting that I've trapped him.  If I did it wasn't intentional.  I don't want to keep someone with me that doesn't want to be with me.  I told him that if he kept bringing it up that I was going to just pack up and leave.  I'd go stay with my mother if that was how he was going to play.  I don't have to be here.  I can leave.  I don't want to, but I will.  He said he was sorry, the following morning and said that if I were to do that that it wouldn't be good. Sigh...
 
The conversations started when he and his co-worker were talking about her marriage.  He said that she shouldn't be getting married because she has all her shit together and she would be bring on a lot of baggage with her nuptials.  Her fiance has an ex-wife, bills, kids, etc.   She said that she is marrying because she loves him.  That all that stuff doesn't matter.  I think that's idealistic, but right.
 
The donor seems to think that we should get married because it makes sense.  He can put me under his insurance and we can file taxes together (romantic  isn't he).  I told him he could shove it. I want a real marriage.
 
Needless to say, I'm not going to get one!

I'm Home!!!!

I am so very glad to be home.  I could have kissed the ground when I got out of the car, except that my lips would have stuck to the asphalt.
 
Remind me NEVER to do that again.  10 days with three preteen boys (one with a terminal illness, one with emotional issues and one who agitates), one baby (who I adore), a clueless  man (urgh), and a pair of virtuous parents(more to follow) is just too much. 
 
Maybe I could have gotten through it a little better if it were 5 or 7 days, but I have to say that by the last 2 days I was not talking to the donor and pretty much stayed in my bedroom to avoid everyone.  I don't even visit my family for that long!!!!
 
It didn't occur to me that we would be driving into the mountains.  Stupid, I know, but I should have noticed before hand.  I get a touch of car sickness when going through the mountains.   So I can only appreciate that I was driving at night and didn't get to see the view over the side of the cliff that the donor pointed out.  When we arrived his parents came out and greeted us with Camp Michael hats.  They named their vacation home after their eldest grandson.  That went to his head.  He kept saying, "Don't you just love Camp Michael, Miss Jane?".  After the 30 or 40th time I started to hate that question.  
 
I got to meet their dog, Alvin.  He peed on me the minute I walked in the door.  Then tried to hump me.   I was off to a grand start.  Try wrestling a golden retriever off your back when he's determined to make you his new girlfriend.   He calmed down after that day, sort of, and became EJ's protector.  It was fine until he decided that the donor was going to try to hurt the baby( Simon growled at the baby and Alvin took exception).  So he followed Mr. Winky around whenever he held him and whenever EJ was put down he would either try to climb into his travel tent or he would bathe the baby with his tongue. I tried to explain to the dog that we give the baby a bath on a regular basis, but he didn't quite get it!
 
Michael got Ralph to take sides against Drew, so we got to hear Drew complain that they wouldn't let them play with him.  We had at least one spat a day with Michael.  It starts to wear after a while.  Plus, he is a bit of a whiner, and can't seem to do anything for himself.  The first three days I had to listen to him whine about Simon's mom being gone whenever it was lunch time, so he had to eat late.  Telling him that he is 15 years old and should get off his ass and make himself a sandwich doesn't seem to have the desired effect that I wanted.  He still complained.  He is NOT self-sufficient at all.
 
Simon's mom doesn't help.  She absolutely caters to him.  I think it irritates the donor's father, but he seems pretty non-confrontational. By the time we were pulling out of the driveway to go home I was snapping at him.  I have more patience than anyone I know and it was getting on my nerves!!!
 
On a less plaintive note, the house was beautiful.  It was a three bedroom, two-story, two full baths with a washer and dryer and a loft.  The scenery was soothing.  It looked like something out of a Disney movie.  Wind blowing through the trees, deer sleeping with their babies in the front yard, and the temperature never went higher than 79.
 
The donor and I shared a room, with separate beds, and slept with the windows open.  I was determined that we would have sex before we left, and we did.  He crawled in bed with me one evening and we gently rocked together, softly kissing.  I wish it would have lasted a bit longer, but it was very nice.
There is something about having sex while the parents are in the house that seems a bit taboo and is kind of a turn on!
 
He took me sailing for the first time and we went to the beach. I went with his mother to the outlet mall and then just hung out  at the house.  I was very bored.  My idea of a vacation is going someplace that has historical tours, museums, fine-dining.  I can't just relax in a house full of people.  It's impossible.
 
His mother started to wear on me after a while.  She gave off this vibe of disapproval every once in a while.  Like I should be doing something more.  I kept asking if I could do stuff.  Cook, shop, set the table.  I cleaned, and yet I could feel it emanating off of her that I was lacking something or something was expected of me that I was not doing.  After a while I just couldn't take it anymore.  I started staying in my room just to feel comfortable, but then I felt guilty that I was being anti-social.
 
All in all, I've decided that it was a beautiful place, and if we were to do it again it would be with fewer people or for a lesser amount of time.
 
Now that I'm home things seem to be a total mess.  The unpacking needs to be done as well as all the house work.  I have a babyshower to go to, a wedding coming up, EJ's baptism, and tons of projects.  It should make for a busy summer. 
 
The donor keeps bringing up marriage.  I've been teasing him about it, not seriously and he seems to think that it's a good idea.  I asked him why and he gave me a list of practical reasons.  I don't want practical.  I can live with him for all of the practical reasons.  If he wants to get up in front of a priest and vow in front of God and everyone that he will LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH me, then he damn well better mean it.  Until he does we are going to continue the way we are.  I can say it and mean it, but he would be lying.
 
That point came into being while we were there.  One of his former students lives in the area that we stayed in and he come over for a visit on Monday.  They talked about old times when he and Kathleen were married and living in the dorm at the private school and I felt a bit awkward when they started talking about how he was all excited about proposing to her and how he went about doing it.  I just had to excuse myself after a while.  I felt like I was intruding.
 
Next week the donor is supposed to go North and do a training around the area of his ex-gf.  He says he may not go, but that will be my emotional turmoil of next week. Urgh.
 
Anyway, it's nice to be home. I don't want to go anywhere else for a while. 
 

Computer Problems...

I've tried to delete the multiple blogs below, but for some reason the computer is acting weird. So if it doesn't delete you guys will have to read it three or four times! LOL.

Vacation...

I'm leaving tomorrow for the vacation in the mountains. It should be interesting. No tv, no phone, no internet....nothing but family (his) and fun(I hope). I'm not sure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be like. His parents will be there and seeing as how his father is a man of the cloth, I'm not sure if we are bunking together or not. PLUS, I'm not sure what the house layout looks like. I'll fill in the blanks when I get back.

The donor said that I was his girlfriend!!!! I'm shocked. He's never admitted it as far as I can remember. It's always been "this is my friend, Jane". I was giving him grief about his ex-gf calling the house this morning, just to say hi! in her cutsie sing-song voice ( I hate people who are chipper phone people, I have a phone-sex voice myself so the perky gets irritating), and I said something about his girlfriend calling and he said, "but, you're my girlfriend". I know my jaw dropped. Maybe his zoloft kicked in.

Speaking of the ex... remember the gift that I said disappeared? Well, it's still in the house. I found it while looking for the car top carrier. I mentioned it to the donor and said something about giving it away to someone. He's still under the impression that I will relent and dress EJ in it. FAT CHANCE. He says that I should be mad at him and not take it out on her, but I feel that even while I'm mad at him, and she knows how I feel about her, that she should be respectful enough to drop out of the picture. I say that because I know she initiates most of the contact. Can't she just move on? Geez. Get a boyfriend already and get absorbed in his life and leave me and mine alone! I tried not to let her get the best of me today, but I still have the niggly irritation. Sigh...

So, we went to the book store to pick up some reading material for vacation and while we were there his ex-wife and Ralph showed up at the salon next door. They came in to visit with the baby. I get the feeling sometimes that his ex has a little animosity towards me. My friend Tina said the same when she met her at the hospital. I don't know if it because I'm now where she was, or what the deal is. Tina said that she thinks that Kathleen is a little envious of me having a baby with Simon and now redirecting his life. I do know that she and I have some interesting connections. She and I share the same birthday ten years apart, we both did props for plays, she has a sister named the same as mine, and her name is the same as one of my other sisters. Plus if she and Simon were to have a girl they were going to name her Jane. Weird?? Other than that, we are polite to each other and don't really socialize. Simon says that she can be the two-faced type. Don't know if I want to deal with that.

My last day at work was yesterday. We had a little get together and just relaxed. It's not like I'll never see them again. I've been gone for a few months now and I seem to be there at least once a week for brunch. It's a little scary to be out on my own and rely upon the donor to support me. I can't get comfortable with him purchasing my clothes and stuff. I don't feel right about it. Hopefully I'll get over it, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.

I have some cleaning to do before bedtime, so I'd better get off this thing. I'll post when I get back! Wish me luck.

Signs...

Okay.... I am a big believer in signs, so this is what Susan Miller (susanmiller.com)the astrologist has to say about the donor and I.

"I am Leo, My Lover is Sagittarius

When you first met, you probably knew in the twinkling of an eye that Sagittarius was the one for you. Rarely have you felt such ease, such simpatico with another soul. Sagittarius' Sun lights up the sector of true love in your horoscope. (Does it get any better than that?) You both are bright and brilliant fire signs: full of enthusiasm, new ideas, creative insights, and a love for experimentation and adventure. Both of you are generous, optimistic and jovial, and your warmth extends not only to one another but also outward to the world. Your spirits are enticing and fun to be around.

Communication with one another is superb and together you and your Sagittarius are likely to get into some deep debates. Sagittarius like to delve into the unfathomable questions in life: "Why are we here?" "Where are we going?" Leos aren't usually given to considering the puzzles of human existence, but the Archer will stop the Lion in his or her tracks. You will find you like this provocative, brainy stimulation. Traveling far and wide is something else you'll do with Sagittarius, for he or she isn't really happy unless the future holds discovery of exciting new places. (Asking Sagittarius to stay home would be like asking Christopher Columbus to be content with a job as a postal clerk.) Leo, you'll be happy to hop on board to expand your horizons, too.

When night comes, the two of you shine brighter than the stars. Your lovemaking will be tender, soft, and playful at first and then progress into something powerful, wild, ravenous and passionate. You will want to tame your Centaur and tie the knot, but don't be too reckless or in a hurry. Sagittarius don't want to be fenced in, so give them lots of room to roam. Your Sagittarius will certainly come back to you like a homing pigeon.

Your only disagreements? They will come when your Sagittarius is too honest, too direct, and could therefore undermine your confidence unwittingly now and then. You thrive on praise, not criticism. Neither of you is very practical, but that can be managed too, if you both make an effort to figure out how your needs are going to be provided for realistically. You and your Sagittarius are sure the money will materialize, and somehow it does. You can be fixed in your opinions, but your Sagittarius is a mutable sign, which means he or she is more adaptable and likely to be the one to find a solution if you hit a standoff. You have lots of pride, but Sagittarius are unencumbered with pride and are freer to objectively assess situations. You'll soon find your Sagittarius' easy style suits you, and you'll love him or her for helping you keep face when you've gone too far in making a stand. When Leos paint themselves into a corner, Sagittarius can give them a way out. This may be their single most endearing quality to you, Leo.

Life with your Sagittarius should be glorious and golden. Be understanding of your differences, which, in all probability, are minor. This relationship stands to be so good for both of you -- and so much fun -- that it will be worth whatever energy you give it."