Paranoid....

The donor is getting paranoid. With good reason. He thinks that I am reading all of his email now. I have to say that I don't trust him and he hasn't really given me any reason to trust him in certain aspects. Like women. I'm not just freaking out about his ex. Last night at about 10:30p.m. we were about to head to bed and the donor said something about a blowjob and I told him to get his little tart to do it. Low and behold not two minutes later his cell phone rings and it's the tart. Geee. Wonder what she wanted at 10:30 at night??? Can we say booty-call??? He wouldn't let me talk to her or call her back. He wouldn't dare pick up the phone when she called. Now, I wonder if he was scared about what I would say? No, I know he was scared that I would say something. And I would.

Contrary to his opinion that I don't have a claim on his ass, I DO!!! He sleeps with me every night, so if he thinks I'm going to let some floozy call his cell in the middle of the night without permission from me, he has another think coming. I REFUSE to share on an unmutual level. Call me weird and twisted to be a swinger and be upset about this, but any swing couple would tell you that it's all about trust and honesty in a relationship. If you're hiding something then you can't be doing something right. So this little whore can just back off.

Okay.... now that I've vented. Dee's lawyer got her $1250 a month for child support and he has to pay her truck payment, insurance, 52% of daycare and she still has to go to court for alimony. He's not too happy. FUCK HIM. I hope his girlfriend leaves him and he comes crawling back to Dee and she tells him to take a long walk off a short pier.

My car is broken. I have 2 more days of work and the freaking thing can't even work with me. I was stuck in traffic for 20 mins and just got thru it when the thing cut off. Luckily, I got it started and drove it the 3 blocks to the house, where it then died in the parking space. The donor will be my driver for the next 2 days!

My friend May's husband left her. She was kind of lost today. It's not like she didn't see it coming. They've had problems, and when she got back from vacation last week, they had sex and then he told her he wanted a separation. Just like a man to screw a woman twice.

Sigh....as you can see, I'm not feeling too kindly towards anyone. I don't know if I'm PMSing or what. I do know that my checking account is down to $15 due to insurance and daycare. So much for new clothes.

EJ is feeling better, but he's picked up a wheezing thing. I think he might be allergic to the neighbor's dogs. She watched him last night when we went to the movies. Saw the Michael Moore flick about Bush. That is an anti-Bush campaign if ever I saw one. People in the theater were cheering and clapping when he made him look like an ass. I don't think many people are too happy with the president right now!

Back to EJ, he's been sleeping off his cold, but it worries me when he sleeps for so long. I get up and poke him just to make sure he's still breathing. I'm thinking he's going to be paranoid when he sleeps that people are going to poke him.;) (Oh...and he is on soy formula...)

After the call from the whore, Simon and I went to bed and he wanted to have sex. I wasn't feeling to kindly towards him, but let him make his move. It took him a while to get me to respond, but when I did he got nice and forceful, pulling my hair and calling me his little slut. I didn't cum, but I don't think I want to...is that possible? Maybe I have this mental block for a reason...maybe it's the meds.

A surprise for a soldier...

I just got off the phone with my friend Annie. Her husband is being sent to Iraq on the 15th of July. She wants me to sleep with them before he goes. Kind of a going away present. Or she wants me to just sleep with him. Give him a little surprise if you will. If our schedules didn't conflict I might have done it. I'm all for rewarding the boys in the military. Plus, Sam is a good kisser. Alas, I've told the donor that I will go with them to the Catskills(thanks for the push Magdala), so I guess that I can't be the going away party. If they were willing to play over here I would see if the donor wanted to participate and we could get the neighbors to watch EJ... hmmm... there is food for thought.

We have a swing party coming up at the end of July. The boys will be out of town and I'm really tempted to go. I'll try to see if the donor will go with me. Sometimes he gets a little weird about the parties. He says that one of my friends is turning all the women against him. My friend takes exception to Simon not thinking that I am the woman of his dreams. Who wouldn't want a woman like me;)???

Faking?

Looks like we are all faking around this house. We took EJ to the doctors. He screamed all evening and I wound up calling the oncall doc, who never called me back. So we called this morning and made an appointment. We get him there and he behaves perfectly. Not a care in the world. A little congested, and has a cold, but nothing else. That doesn't explain the screaming, and they really don't have any answer as to what may have been bothering him, but he looks fine now.

Soooo... I take him home, and he falls asleep in the car. Not 10 mins. after the donor leaves for work he starts screaming again. I rocked him, and after 30 mins he calmed down. He slept for about an hour and woke screaming. It took me an hour to calm him down. I don't get it. I don't know if it's his stomach or what. The doc said it was just a cold, and he tested negative for strep. I just want to cry. I can't comfort him when he gets like that. I can't let him cry himself quiet. I just don't know. He's calm now, but who knows how long that will last. I've tried touching his legs and arms and stuff to see if anything is broken. His brother accidentally dropped his carrier yesterday and he rolled out of it. Fortunately it was in the house and not outside. Nothing seems sensitive to touch. I don't know. I had hoped that he would have stopped the screaming, but I guess I'll have to deal with it a while longer.

Last night I made meatloaf for dinner. It's my moms recipe and I love it. I heard nothing but criticism about how the boys mom doesn't make it this way and she would have done this different and that different. I told Simon that if he and the boys continue on the criticism that I wasn't going to cook anymore. I like my cooking. I'll eat it. I know lots of people who like my cooking and I'm not going to be compared to the boys mom and to Simon's mom. Hell, they can get their parents to ship them meals if they keep it up!!

The donor is trying to get me to go on vacation with them. I don't know if I should go. I think his mom and dad are pressuring him to bring me and I don't want to ruin his time. He says that is not the case, but I still get the feeling it is. So I've been giving excuse after excuse as to why I can't go, when I can go, but don't want to be an obligation.

We had a quickie when we got back from the docs office. I was in the kitchen getting ready to make lunch and he was heading out the door. He kissed me good-bye and I said, "What? No afternoon quickie?" and that was all she wrote. He turned me to face the counter, lifted my dress, took off my panties and began feeling my wetness. And I was wet. He fingered me for a minute and then stripped from the waist down, and plunged in. It felt soooo good. He was hitting a spot that he never hit before. I was moaning and screaming. He came, and then it was over. I didn't cum. He asked and this time I told him the truth. I didn't fake it. It just didn't happen.

I'm Exhausted...

The baby was up for pretty much the whole night and has yet to stop fussing. I know he doesn't feel well and he's only partially calm when I rock him. I stayed home from church because I didn't want him to make anyone at the nursery sick. They are getting a new baby today.

I feel a little guilty because the Father's day lunch is after church and I won't get to go. They have the women serving the guys... and the kids are supposed to make something for the dads. Pretty much the same as Mother's day and I enjoyed it. I wanted the same for the donor. Sigh.

My sister was supposed to see her lawyer on Friday to settle matters with her divorce. I'm wondering how it went. She will be moving to Maryland once things are final. She's going to stay with friends until she gets on her feet. I think this is a little better than staying with his mom. She was uninvited to his cousin's wedding because he was in it. I think that clued her into the blood being thicker than water thing. She's going to have it tough for a while.

As to my sex life...I faked it. I didn't mean to. I wound up on top and we were going at it pretty good. I was talking dirty and I was almost there and then he spoke. I lost it. It's the command to cum that makes me miss it. I can't do it on command. I lose it when ordered to. Maybe if I had a little more time...

Not yet....

EJ is sick. I picked him up from daycare and they had one case of strep throat in the nursery. Now he is coughing and is congested. I'm sending the donor for meds and if it doesn't clear up by Monday I'm taking him to get checked. Plus there is a nurse that took care of a friend of our's parent who just died of TB. So we may have to get him tested depending on how their results turn out. I'm not taking any chances of him catching that.

Sex again and I have yet to cum. I can't get past the mental block. I was almost
there!! Then he opened his mouth and I lost it. Normally I can get off without much of a problem, and I DID want to do it. I just can't get past it. URGH. I even think about it during the day and get sick to my stomach. I'm not a saint by any means, but I am always honest about it. I'll let him know if I'm sleeping with someone else. He doesn't do the same. I hate secrets. Let's get it out into the open.

We had two quickie's this morning, hoping that the boys wouldn't burst in as the door on our floor has a defective lock. The first one had me lying on my back with my legs thrown over his hips and my hand playing with my clit. The second time is him pumping into me from behind. I love that position. I feel dominated with my head buried in the pillows and the sound of skin slapping. I'm pretty vocal and can get him off rather quickly that way. That doesn't always work out for me. However, he will usually finger me to completion.

Lately I've been wanting something softer. I want kisses and more foreplay. Candles and music. I don't think I'm going to get it anytime soon. He is taking the boys out of town next week and I'll be here for two weeks all by myself. No computer, nothing.
I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing about it. I may 2way my blog to an email set up...not that I'll have anything to write.

They put the donor on happy pills. I don't think they're working. He was snapping at Ralph this morning for asking when he was leaving for the store and at me because his pants don't fit anymore. Apparently, my southern cooking is making him fat. I told him not to eat it.

The neighbor came over this morning and we were talking. He wanted to know when the donor and I were getting married. I laughed. He said something about hitting a sore spot. I told him he had no clue...

Last night the donor's boys came over and we had a little dinner mishap. His now middle child, has diabetes and takes insulin shots. Well, we got home late and put away groceries from the donor's shopping trip and I started dinner. I was going to make chicken strips with mac and cheese and peas. This would cover the carbs. Well, Ralph took his insulin and he has to eat 20 mins after the shot. Dinner was late, so I changed what we were eating to stir-fry, so that it wouldn't take as long. I forgot the carbs. So Ralph ate really late because I had to make rice at the end of the meal. The donor gave me a lecture on timing, on cooking , and whatever else. Then they all sat and talked about what they like and don't like about my cooking and how they would have done it differently or how their mom would have done it differently. I told them that they can cook their own dinners from now on. Luckily, I'm not sensitive about my cooking, because I know that as long as I like what I cook, they will eat it.

I gave the donor a hard time about it though and teased him a bit. He told me that I was going to get a spanking later and to watch out.

So bed time rolled around and I put the baby in his crib and crawled into bed. The donor came up from putting his boys down and did his nightly routine. He scooted up next to me and grabbed me from behind. He tugged at my hair until I was facing him and asked me if I really got turned on by the sex blog I sent him. I said yes, that it did make me wet to read about the dom and the sub. That I wanted to be a cum slut like the author.

He pushed my head down to his cock and told me to suck it. I really didn't want to. I kept getting visions in my head of the woman who gave him the blowjob. I laid there with my head in his lap for a minute and then tentatively took him in. I sucked half-heartedly for a few strokes and then took my mouth away. I don't know if he sensed that there was something wrong, but he didn't press the issue. Instead, he began playing with my pussy and sucking on my milky breasts. I closed my eyes and tried to push out the visions of the woman and relax. I couldn't quite do it. He spread my legs and knelt between them, rubbing himself on my clit until his tip was wet, then plunged in. Then he kissed me.

He almost never kisses me.

We finished, and I rolled over and fell asleep. The baby slept through the night and I got up at six and checked on him. I crawled back in bed and the donor began rubbing my back. He was hard. I knew we were going to have a morning quickie. I'm not sure I wanted one, but we did it anyway. My ass in the air and him telling me that I'm a good little slut. I'm his slut. Grinding his hips into my ass.

I didn't cum this morning. I didn't cum last night. Will I ever cum, again?

The donor and I sort of had it out last night. I'm drained. He tried to gloss over the trip to visit his ex-girlfriend and said he was going someplace else. I told him that I read the email that he was going to stay with her while in her area and that I know he is going to sleep with her while there. He denied it, but I know that they will. I know.

So I started crying. Like I've had my heart ripped out. I asked about his sex life in the past few months. Sometimes he'll blog about true and untrue. One that he blogged about was true. The blowjob on the roof of the library. I am hurt. I hate him. I love him. I'm ripped apart inside.

I can't make him love me. He says that I want the security of marriage. I don't. I want the security of love. I can't get that from him and it's just going to get harder. I have to love him and live with him as if we are a married couple and all the while I have to deal with the fact that he doesn't love me, and never will.

I can sleep in his arms and pretend that we are together, but in reality I am just some woman who is convenient. I can't take that. I am drained. I said something to him about not teaching EJ how to deal with women and he took offense. I apologized. He is a good father, and I believe that completely.

Now I have to suffer with him staying with her for those days, and I have to lie in the same bed with him and think about the woman who gave him the blowjob. I can't stand it.

The donor returned from his trip up north. While he was away I went to my mother’s house and visited. She made me angry the last time I was there, so I wound up skipping the visit with my grandmother. I figured that it wasn’t fair to punish my gran just because I was mad at my mother, so I went back up. It was nice. We went to karaoke and I met up with an old high school friend for a few drinks.

Anyway, the donor’s depression has put me a bit over the edge. I read his blog entry on going to the strip joints and talking to the stripper about EJ and me. He says that as he is speaking he can feel himself sinking into a depression. It’s nice to know that I have that effect on a man. It depresses me to know that I can make someone feel so low. I don’t want that from him. I’m not sure what I want from him.

I’ve been weepy again today and yesterday. I haven’t cried, but I went to bed right after dinner. I feel like I could explode. I can’t seem to get a grasp on my feelings. They are jumbled.. fear, rage, lust sadness, anger, love. I can’t hold on to any except for the insecurity. I hate that feeling the most. I don’t feel loved and it’s starting to take a toll.

I thought about going out and having sex with someone other than the donor, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. It may have to do with my mind set that I belong to him and he to me. When I’ve slept with someone else in the past I’ve been thinking of him. I doubt that he does the same. I never thought that I would love someone who didn’t love me. It makes me feel bad about the married men I’ve slept with. Their wives must be wondering about what they did to drive a man away. I wonder the same, just in a different way.

I know the reason for my recent insecurities. I was home yesterday playing on the computer and was automatically logged into something that wasn’t mine…and saw something that I shouldn’t have…and now I’m wondering if the donor will mention it or if he will pretend that nothing is happening.

When I think of fireworks I always picture a couple wrapped in each others arms sharing a beautiful view and a romantic moment. Tonight I have discovered that even when you are with someone, you aren't necessarily with someone. Simon and I saw a fire works display tonight. My neighbors were there sitting next to each other and holding hands. Simon and I were separated by 3 chairs and his mind. Before the show began he walked up and down the street "looking for people he knew". The only person he could have been looking for is his ex-wife and her spouse. Hell, not even the spouse; just her.

I can't compete with her and I am thinking that she's not competition. She's probably thinking the same thing. Why can't he get over her? What makes her so special?

He leaves tomorrow and will be gone for a week. His parents, who want us to marry, will be here on Saturday. I don't know if I'm up to this. He's walking around like he's lost his best friend. Snapping at the boys and at me. I want him to go away. I need a break. I also want to weep. I want more. I'm sorry he's upset that his life is not the way he wants it. Neither is mine. Get some happy pills and deal with it!

Speaking of.... my doctor upped my prescription. I am now on 100mg instead of 50. He told me to take them until September on 2005. That's a little over a year and a half. Oddly enough, I haven't felt depressed until today. I feel sad and weepy right now. Before it was as if I could feel anything. I was almost like I had an out of body experience. I hope it doesn't stay that way with the Zoloft.